A Guide to Dating a Walker Girl: Because Apparently We Need a Guide.

I'm sitting in my bilingual education class, and have decided it's time to quit focusing since someone just said "it literally broke my heart." Really? Is this a graduate level class? I'm doubting my life decisions now. Life decisions always make me think of dating (like that transition?) and dating makes me think of how awesome my sister and I are. We are the remaining single children in the family, even though she's been dating someone seriously for seven months, which in Mormonland means they should be married and have 2 kids already, I still count her as a single Walker girl, cause it aint over till someone says "yes" while kneeling across an altar.

We Walker girls aren't known for being easy to date. We are shrouded in mystery, because that's sexy... right? Anyway, it's not our fault. My little sister and I have a collective dating history that would make you laugh, and cry, for all the right and wrong reasons. But mostly cry.

Case and point: She once dated a guy who broke up with her on myspace (back when that was a cool thing to have) and they weren't in high school. I once dated a guy who couldn't figure out how to play Phase 10. An inordinate amount of time was spent with me yelling "pick up THEN discard." We were both young. I have been dabbling in the world of internet dating, and if you'd ever like to know why you shouldn't date online, just come over with a bag of popcorn one night and get ready for a treat. Actually I'll share one right now.

Once upon a time I used the website ldssingles.com and started chatting with a very nice guy from CA. He was divorced and had three kids. I enjoyed emailing him but had some reservations. After a normal amount of time had passed I allowed him to call me. It was then that I asked how long he had been divorced. "Weeeellll, technically I'm not divorced yet." Yeah, I don't technically talk to guys who are still married to their spouses, so I told him peace out. A few weeks later I got a call, then another call and an email, all within a few minutes of each other. Apparently his divorce had finalized that morning and felt that this meant it was game time. I called him and told him that he had just gotten a divorce, and probably wasn't ready for much of anything but lying around in his underwear eating copious amounts of ice cream. I went about life as normal, and was teaching my classes the next day. I got a call from the office around lunch time and was told that I had a visitor. Can you see where this is going? I walked into the office and there he was, holding pizza and a rose. I suppose this would be seen as romantic by some, but I did not think so. We sat in my classroom, awkwardly eating pizza, until I finally asked him what his plan was. He said, "I just thought I would stay with you and watch conference at your place in my pjs." I had different plans and about 15 minutes later he was back in his car heading west. I'd feel bad about this, but he was married three months later to a very nice girl (I'm assuming, she's probably also mentally unstable).

Megan and I have learned a lot, and so have the men who have shared our company. Dating is weird. It just is. As a 28 year-old single Mormon woman I've spent a lot of time thinking about it. Mostly about how it's weird. I have faith that one day, a guy will come along and he will get past the quirks of dating me, and the dust will settle and then we will high-five over the fact that we found each other.

There is one guy in particular who managed to woo a Walker Woman (the younger Walker Woman) longer than any other guy ever has. Ever. I'm proud of him. I was curious about how he had managed to do this, and upon request, he wrote out a guide to dating a Walker girl. He also wishes to remain anonymous. Probably because that's one secret to dating a Walker girl: Lay low.

So here it is, 17 steps to dating a Walker girl.

How to Date a Walker Girl

A Manual

By: Enrique

1. Buy her chocolate. Lots of chocolate. And make her chocolate things. Of a high quality and presentation.

2. Encourage her indulgence in attractive rock stars, and try to emulate them (i.e. sing her cheesy love songs with your shirt partially unbuttoned).

3. Be sarcastic, make fun of yourself, and joke about how ridiculous that stupid thing you just did was and how lucky you are that she is still dating you.

4. If there is something/someone that needs making fun of, don’t be afraid to make fun of it/them with her.

5. If she wants to pay, don’t freakin’ argue.

6. Show your affection, BUT NOT IN PUBLIC. Hand-holding may be acceptable if you have followed steps 1-5 sufficiently. Tread cautiously or expect to be made fun of in public.

7. You better flippin’ like her family regardless of what they do to you. Eat all the pancakes. Do manual labor. Don’t forget to shower. Don’t do anything that will get you ripped to shreds.

8. Do the dishes, help cook or cook for her, and help with the kids, or there may be suspicions that you are a chauvinistic pig, which is a deal breaker.

9. Live worthy, and leave no doubts that you are. Respect her.

10. Show signs of being on track, at least, to being able to support a family.

11. The goal should always be “How can I get her to laugh until she cries?”

12. If she says “stop it” your approach to step 11 is not working, and you really should stop, she means it. No really. You’re not being funny.

13. If she is crying and had not been laughing, or is overly grouchy, get her food ASAP.

14. Compliment her, but don’t let her think you only like her because she’s beautiful (or sultry, whichever fits the description better).

15. In all things be mildly entertaining. Show off your skillz and be sure to look like a dork in the process most of the time, it’s probably a lot more likely to get a laugh that way.

16. Listen to her, be able to keep a pleasant conversation with her, watch movies with her, learn to love or at least feign liking the movies she loves, don’t take her to Baskin Robbins, love her mom’s pinwheel cookies, encourage her in what she wants to do

17. Make sure she feels needed

Good luck to ya. I am not to be held liable for any content in this manual.