A Guide to Dating a Walker Girl: Because Apparently We Need a Guide.

I'm sitting in my bilingual education class, and have decided it's time to quit focusing since someone just said "it literally broke my heart." Really? Is this a graduate level class? I'm doubting my life decisions now. Life decisions always make me think of dating (like that transition?) and dating makes me think of how awesome my sister and I are. We are the remaining single children in the family, even though she's been dating someone seriously for seven months, which in Mormonland means they should be married and have 2 kids already, I still count her as a single Walker girl, cause it aint over till someone says "yes" while kneeling across an altar.

We Walker girls aren't known for being easy to date. We are shrouded in mystery, because that's sexy... right? Anyway, it's not our fault. My little sister and I have a collective dating history that would make you laugh, and cry, for all the right and wrong reasons. But mostly cry.

Case and point: She once dated a guy who broke up with her on myspace (back when that was a cool thing to have) and they weren't in high school. I once dated a guy who couldn't figure out how to play Phase 10. An inordinate amount of time was spent with me yelling "pick up THEN discard." We were both young. I have been dabbling in the world of internet dating, and if you'd ever like to know why you shouldn't date online, just come over with a bag of popcorn one night and get ready for a treat. Actually I'll share one right now.

Once upon a time I used the website ldssingles.com and started chatting with a very nice guy from CA. He was divorced and had three kids. I enjoyed emailing him but had some reservations. After a normal amount of time had passed I allowed him to call me. It was then that I asked how long he had been divorced. "Weeeellll, technically I'm not divorced yet." Yeah, I don't technically talk to guys who are still married to their spouses, so I told him peace out. A few weeks later I got a call, then another call and an email, all within a few minutes of each other. Apparently his divorce had finalized that morning and felt that this meant it was game time. I called him and told him that he had just gotten a divorce, and probably wasn't ready for much of anything but lying around in his underwear eating copious amounts of ice cream. I went about life as normal, and was teaching my classes the next day. I got a call from the office around lunch time and was told that I had a visitor. Can you see where this is going? I walked into the office and there he was, holding pizza and a rose. I suppose this would be seen as romantic by some, but I did not think so. We sat in my classroom, awkwardly eating pizza, until I finally asked him what his plan was. He said, "I just thought I would stay with you and watch conference at your place in my pjs." I had different plans and about 15 minutes later he was back in his car heading west. I'd feel bad about this, but he was married three months later to a very nice girl (I'm assuming, she's probably also mentally unstable).

Megan and I have learned a lot, and so have the men who have shared our company. Dating is weird. It just is. As a 28 year-old single Mormon woman I've spent a lot of time thinking about it. Mostly about how it's weird. I have faith that one day, a guy will come along and he will get past the quirks of dating me, and the dust will settle and then we will high-five over the fact that we found each other.

There is one guy in particular who managed to woo a Walker Woman (the younger Walker Woman) longer than any other guy ever has. Ever. I'm proud of him. I was curious about how he had managed to do this, and upon request, he wrote out a guide to dating a Walker girl. He also wishes to remain anonymous. Probably because that's one secret to dating a Walker girl: Lay low.

So here it is, 17 steps to dating a Walker girl.

How to Date a Walker Girl

A Manual

By: Enrique

1. Buy her chocolate. Lots of chocolate. And make her chocolate things. Of a high quality and presentation.

2. Encourage her indulgence in attractive rock stars, and try to emulate them (i.e. sing her cheesy love songs with your shirt partially unbuttoned).

3. Be sarcastic, make fun of yourself, and joke about how ridiculous that stupid thing you just did was and how lucky you are that she is still dating you.

4. If there is something/someone that needs making fun of, don’t be afraid to make fun of it/them with her.

5. If she wants to pay, don’t freakin’ argue.

6. Show your affection, BUT NOT IN PUBLIC. Hand-holding may be acceptable if you have followed steps 1-5 sufficiently. Tread cautiously or expect to be made fun of in public.

7. You better flippin’ like her family regardless of what they do to you. Eat all the pancakes. Do manual labor. Don’t forget to shower. Don’t do anything that will get you ripped to shreds.

8. Do the dishes, help cook or cook for her, and help with the kids, or there may be suspicions that you are a chauvinistic pig, which is a deal breaker.

9. Live worthy, and leave no doubts that you are. Respect her.

10. Show signs of being on track, at least, to being able to support a family.

11. The goal should always be “How can I get her to laugh until she cries?”

12. If she says “stop it” your approach to step 11 is not working, and you really should stop, she means it. No really. You’re not being funny.

13. If she is crying and had not been laughing, or is overly grouchy, get her food ASAP.

14. Compliment her, but don’t let her think you only like her because she’s beautiful (or sultry, whichever fits the description better).

15. In all things be mildly entertaining. Show off your skillz and be sure to look like a dork in the process most of the time, it’s probably a lot more likely to get a laugh that way.

16. Listen to her, be able to keep a pleasant conversation with her, watch movies with her, learn to love or at least feign liking the movies she loves, don’t take her to Baskin Robbins, love her mom’s pinwheel cookies, encourage her in what she wants to do

17. Make sure she feels needed

Good luck to ya. I am not to be held liable for any content in this manual.

Stay-Cationing. We're Doing It Right

Well it's Labor Day. The day we celebrate the contributions of laborers by not doing anything. My friends and I took this to heart, and had ourselves a little stay-cation. We went to a resort in Scottsdale, brought pjs, swimsuits, and tooth brushes, and hunkered down for a night of laughter, tv, and yelling at kids in the pool. It was perfect. So perfect, in fact, that this is the only picture that was taken:

Happiness

Disclaimer: I'm On Cold Meds

I'm sick. Which stinks, but also gives me the opportunity to blog on cold meds. You're welcome world! Every time I tell my father that I am sick he gives me the same advice: "wrap a hot towel around your head." That's right, my father consistently quotes awesome movies from the 80's. Anyone... anyone... anyone? I've never actually followed this advice because it seems like it's not worth the effort. Instead I usually just overdose on a mixture of Aleve D and NyQuil. My sister informed me yesterday that I can get a stronger dose of naproxen and pseudoephedrine by mixing my own cocktail of drugs, which kind of worried me and kind of amazed me and kind of made me want to try it, all at the same time. Instead I'm choosing to write about why my little sister is funny.

The story goes that she was 11, and I was 15. My father and I were exchanging witty banter and Megan tried to throw her two cents in. My father looked at her and said, "you are pretty and smart, but you aren't very funny." Apparently this was the most devastating thing in the world to say to her, she claims she cried herself to sleep that night. In all fairness, being funny is a pretty big deal at our house, and she was clearly the least funny out of us. It wasn't her fault, she was the youngest, by the time she came along the sarcasm quota had been filled. Megan vowed that night that she would become a funny person, and 4 years later, we were driving in the car when she make a joke. My father totally validated her by declaring her a funny person, and 4 years of the study of humor was finally realized. The thing about my sister is that she is really busy, like insanely busy, she didn't have time to stop to think of funny things to say, until recently. Taking a mind numbing job has freed up some brain space and we have been exchanging some pretty awesome emails over the last few weeks. For example:

Her
I like getting my teeth cleaned but it is incredible how many pictures they feel like they need of my teeth. It's like a 40 minutes photo session of my teeth. I have nice teeth and yet they always tell me that I'm brushing my teeth wrong. Whatever. At least I brush them. The dental hygienist told me that there was quite a bit of bleeding. I wanted to say "That's because you were stabbing my gums with that mini pitch fork of yours!" But instead I said ok. And then she gave me a mirror and began tutoring me on how to properly brush my teeth and floss. I feel so patronized when I go to the dentist. I'm really just bitter because they didn't tell me that I have great teeth. They should lie to me to make me feel better.
My Response

Remember the awesome old man dentist who worked out of a house in Moses Lake and had instruments so old he had to use his foot to pump the water? He always said our teeth were beautiful. I loved him. Then he died. Your dentist dying is a totally traumatic experience. Partly because it’s a pain to change insurance info and you have to go to that stupid post appointment evaluation every time you find a new guy, but also because someone is dead and their entire relationship with you had to do with them putting their fingers in your mouth. I think the next time they tell you that you bled a lot you should kick them in the mouth and tell them the same thing.

Side Note: This email thread started by talking about Gypsies and ended with dead dentists. 

We also had a discussion about how dating a guy who kills a coyote on Christmas then texts a picture of it to you is a deal-breaker. That's too specific to be made-up. 

And this picture was passed around:

  I like to send her pictures of things that will make her co-workers wonder about her correspondence.