Measuring Your Life in Hot Cheetos

Well ladies and gentlemen, it’s done. I survived planning and carrying out a Homecoming dance. It’s been added to my resume. Which is good, because that baby is thin.

Marilyn Walker

English Teacher*

            Special Skills

·      Understanding teenage colloquialism e.g. Skiiiiin It

·      Explaining Shakespeare’s suggestive jokes to students with a 4^th grade reading level

·      Stopping a child mid-cuss word with just a look

·      Planning homecoming dances

*May occasionally be found crying in the corner.

Yup, that’s about it.

Last year I had some students come and ask me if I would be their class sponsor. I swore I would never do this, but they were sophomores, and it’s really not that difficult, we sold candy and hot Cheetos at games and planned a Valentines Day dance that was in the school cafeteria. No big deal really. Easy. So I said yes. This was perhaps the most shortsighted decision I’ve ever made. See the class sponsor moves up with the students, which means that this year I’m the junior class sponsor, which means I’m in charge of homecoming and then prom. I’ll let that sink in for a moment. Think about it. It’s painful. So I hit the ground running this year, trying to motivate my little students to fundraise so we can pay for decorations and other such nonsense. They apparently didn’t realize how expensive these things can be. Paying the police force alone will cost you almost $300.  So I started doing this thing, anytime they’d want to buy something we would have this conversation:

Student: Ms! We really want sashes for the royalty. They are only $25.

Me: Times 8, which is $200. Can’t we just make our own with red ribbon, glitter and glue?

Student: Ms! You are soooo ghetto.  (btw, being called ghetto by my students is the ultimate ghetto teacher win)

Me: Ok, how many bags of hot Cheetos do you need to sell in order to buy the sashes?

Student: Ummm like 60?

Me: Remember to take out our cost of the Cheetos. We only make $14 a box.

Student: Ohhh, so like… 110.

Me: 700. You’d have to sell 700 bags of hot Cheetos to buy the sashes.

*Cut to my students and me covered in glitter, glue, and red ribbon at 6 pm in my classroom.

So this is the way my life went. For months we measured everything by how many bags of Hot Cheetos we’d have to sell in order to get it.  Then that translated into my non-school life. My rent is 1608 bags of Hot Cheetos, and now I’m depressed.

So the theme for homecoming was “What Happens in Vegas…” Because why not? I would tell them that this is true for everything but debt, subpoenas, and STDs. That’s golden advice y’all.  So the gym was decked out in casino themed decorations with the Vegas skyline made of butcher paper hanging from one wall. I was actually very proud of what they did, and we did this on the cheap. I was talking to my department head about how much money we had made and he pointed out that this is my Mormon girl training in full-force. He’s right, the knowledge gained in every young women’s activity where we made scripture bags, all those wedding receptions in my gym, and all those Relief Society super Saturdays was being accessed on a daily basis.

The dance itself was pretty good. Each student was told upon entering that they couldn’t leave once they were inside (students try to leave and do/smoke/drink things in their car then come back into the dance) and that they couldn’t dirty dance. They had a hard time with that last once, and we ended up having to turn more lights on, which really just ended in me begging to turn them back off, because it really didn’t stop them, all it did was provide better lighting for me to be totally traumatized in. At one point a police officer came up to me and asked if I knew anything about the pool of blood. That’s one of those moments that doesn’t really have a proper response. I wanted to look at him and yell, “You’re the police officer! Why don’t YOU know about the pool of blood?!?” But I went and investigated. You know you teach in the ghetto when your first thought upon finding a pool of blood is “oh good, there isn’t enough centralized pooling for this to be a stabbing.” To ease your mind, I found a very sad girl who had a bad bloody nose. I’m going to go ahead and make the assumption that it was her blood, mostly because I don’t want to think about any alternatives.  

So I’m 99% sure that all the students who came to the dance lived to tell the tale of their ghetto booty dancing in the well lit, Vegas style gym that had been hand decorated by a Mormon and 10 juniors.

Crappy cell phone picture of me and my senate. 

A Guide to Dating a Walker Girl: Because Apparently We Need a Guide.

I'm sitting in my bilingual education class, and have decided it's time to quit focusing since someone just said "it literally broke my heart." Really? Is this a graduate level class? I'm doubting my life decisions now. Life decisions always make me think of dating (like that transition?) and dating makes me think of how awesome my sister and I are. We are the remaining single children in the family, even though she's been dating someone seriously for seven months, which in Mormonland means they should be married and have 2 kids already, I still count her as a single Walker girl, cause it aint over till someone says "yes" while kneeling across an altar.

We Walker girls aren't known for being easy to date. We are shrouded in mystery, because that's sexy... right? Anyway, it's not our fault. My little sister and I have a collective dating history that would make you laugh, and cry, for all the right and wrong reasons. But mostly cry.

Case and point: She once dated a guy who broke up with her on myspace (back when that was a cool thing to have) and they weren't in high school. I once dated a guy who couldn't figure out how to play Phase 10. An inordinate amount of time was spent with me yelling "pick up THEN discard." We were both young. I have been dabbling in the world of internet dating, and if you'd ever like to know why you shouldn't date online, just come over with a bag of popcorn one night and get ready for a treat. Actually I'll share one right now.

Once upon a time I used the website ldssingles.com and started chatting with a very nice guy from CA. He was divorced and had three kids. I enjoyed emailing him but had some reservations. After a normal amount of time had passed I allowed him to call me. It was then that I asked how long he had been divorced. "Weeeellll, technically I'm not divorced yet." Yeah, I don't technically talk to guys who are still married to their spouses, so I told him peace out. A few weeks later I got a call, then another call and an email, all within a few minutes of each other. Apparently his divorce had finalized that morning and felt that this meant it was game time. I called him and told him that he had just gotten a divorce, and probably wasn't ready for much of anything but lying around in his underwear eating copious amounts of ice cream. I went about life as normal, and was teaching my classes the next day. I got a call from the office around lunch time and was told that I had a visitor. Can you see where this is going? I walked into the office and there he was, holding pizza and a rose. I suppose this would be seen as romantic by some, but I did not think so. We sat in my classroom, awkwardly eating pizza, until I finally asked him what his plan was. He said, "I just thought I would stay with you and watch conference at your place in my pjs." I had different plans and about 15 minutes later he was back in his car heading west. I'd feel bad about this, but he was married three months later to a very nice girl (I'm assuming, she's probably also mentally unstable).

Megan and I have learned a lot, and so have the men who have shared our company. Dating is weird. It just is. As a 28 year-old single Mormon woman I've spent a lot of time thinking about it. Mostly about how it's weird. I have faith that one day, a guy will come along and he will get past the quirks of dating me, and the dust will settle and then we will high-five over the fact that we found each other.

There is one guy in particular who managed to woo a Walker Woman (the younger Walker Woman) longer than any other guy ever has. Ever. I'm proud of him. I was curious about how he had managed to do this, and upon request, he wrote out a guide to dating a Walker girl. He also wishes to remain anonymous. Probably because that's one secret to dating a Walker girl: Lay low.

So here it is, 17 steps to dating a Walker girl.

How to Date a Walker Girl

A Manual

By: Enrique

1. Buy her chocolate. Lots of chocolate. And make her chocolate things. Of a high quality and presentation.

2. Encourage her indulgence in attractive rock stars, and try to emulate them (i.e. sing her cheesy love songs with your shirt partially unbuttoned).

3. Be sarcastic, make fun of yourself, and joke about how ridiculous that stupid thing you just did was and how lucky you are that she is still dating you.

4. If there is something/someone that needs making fun of, don’t be afraid to make fun of it/them with her.

5. If she wants to pay, don’t freakin’ argue.

6. Show your affection, BUT NOT IN PUBLIC. Hand-holding may be acceptable if you have followed steps 1-5 sufficiently. Tread cautiously or expect to be made fun of in public.

7. You better flippin’ like her family regardless of what they do to you. Eat all the pancakes. Do manual labor. Don’t forget to shower. Don’t do anything that will get you ripped to shreds.

8. Do the dishes, help cook or cook for her, and help with the kids, or there may be suspicions that you are a chauvinistic pig, which is a deal breaker.

9. Live worthy, and leave no doubts that you are. Respect her.

10. Show signs of being on track, at least, to being able to support a family.

11. The goal should always be “How can I get her to laugh until she cries?”

12. If she says “stop it” your approach to step 11 is not working, and you really should stop, she means it. No really. You’re not being funny.

13. If she is crying and had not been laughing, or is overly grouchy, get her food ASAP.

14. Compliment her, but don’t let her think you only like her because she’s beautiful (or sultry, whichever fits the description better).

15. In all things be mildly entertaining. Show off your skillz and be sure to look like a dork in the process most of the time, it’s probably a lot more likely to get a laugh that way.

16. Listen to her, be able to keep a pleasant conversation with her, watch movies with her, learn to love or at least feign liking the movies she loves, don’t take her to Baskin Robbins, love her mom’s pinwheel cookies, encourage her in what she wants to do

17. Make sure she feels needed

Good luck to ya. I am not to be held liable for any content in this manual.

Stay-Cationing. We're Doing It Right

Well it's Labor Day. The day we celebrate the contributions of laborers by not doing anything. My friends and I took this to heart, and had ourselves a little stay-cation. We went to a resort in Scottsdale, brought pjs, swimsuits, and tooth brushes, and hunkered down for a night of laughter, tv, and yelling at kids in the pool. It was perfect. So perfect, in fact, that this is the only picture that was taken:

Happiness

Disclaimer: I'm On Cold Meds

I'm sick. Which stinks, but also gives me the opportunity to blog on cold meds. You're welcome world! Every time I tell my father that I am sick he gives me the same advice: "wrap a hot towel around your head." That's right, my father consistently quotes awesome movies from the 80's. Anyone... anyone... anyone? I've never actually followed this advice because it seems like it's not worth the effort. Instead I usually just overdose on a mixture of Aleve D and NyQuil. My sister informed me yesterday that I can get a stronger dose of naproxen and pseudoephedrine by mixing my own cocktail of drugs, which kind of worried me and kind of amazed me and kind of made me want to try it, all at the same time. Instead I'm choosing to write about why my little sister is funny.

The story goes that she was 11, and I was 15. My father and I were exchanging witty banter and Megan tried to throw her two cents in. My father looked at her and said, "you are pretty and smart, but you aren't very funny." Apparently this was the most devastating thing in the world to say to her, she claims she cried herself to sleep that night. In all fairness, being funny is a pretty big deal at our house, and she was clearly the least funny out of us. It wasn't her fault, she was the youngest, by the time she came along the sarcasm quota had been filled. Megan vowed that night that she would become a funny person, and 4 years later, we were driving in the car when she make a joke. My father totally validated her by declaring her a funny person, and 4 years of the study of humor was finally realized. The thing about my sister is that she is really busy, like insanely busy, she didn't have time to stop to think of funny things to say, until recently. Taking a mind numbing job has freed up some brain space and we have been exchanging some pretty awesome emails over the last few weeks. For example:

Her
I like getting my teeth cleaned but it is incredible how many pictures they feel like they need of my teeth. It's like a 40 minutes photo session of my teeth. I have nice teeth and yet they always tell me that I'm brushing my teeth wrong. Whatever. At least I brush them. The dental hygienist told me that there was quite a bit of bleeding. I wanted to say "That's because you were stabbing my gums with that mini pitch fork of yours!" But instead I said ok. And then she gave me a mirror and began tutoring me on how to properly brush my teeth and floss. I feel so patronized when I go to the dentist. I'm really just bitter because they didn't tell me that I have great teeth. They should lie to me to make me feel better.
My Response

Remember the awesome old man dentist who worked out of a house in Moses Lake and had instruments so old he had to use his foot to pump the water? He always said our teeth were beautiful. I loved him. Then he died. Your dentist dying is a totally traumatic experience. Partly because it’s a pain to change insurance info and you have to go to that stupid post appointment evaluation every time you find a new guy, but also because someone is dead and their entire relationship with you had to do with them putting their fingers in your mouth. I think the next time they tell you that you bled a lot you should kick them in the mouth and tell them the same thing.

Side Note: This email thread started by talking about Gypsies and ended with dead dentists. 

We also had a discussion about how dating a guy who kills a coyote on Christmas then texts a picture of it to you is a deal-breaker. That's too specific to be made-up. 

And this picture was passed around:

  I like to send her pictures of things that will make her co-workers wonder about her correspondence. 

Dancing with Grandpa: Mid-Singles on a Saturday Night

What did I do to deserve this?

After a really lovely Saturday afternoon my dear friend Mesh and I decided to spend our evening at a mid-singles dance. Why? We aren't sure. Maybe we thought it would be funny? Motives aside it was an awesome evening of horrible music, awkward flirting, and soft skinned men.

9:15
We enter the dance floor. This is the scene we are met with:

P.S. The song playing when this picture was taken was "I Can't Fight this Feeling Anymore" incidentally, I'm pretty sure fighting feelings was all people were doing this evening.

9:20 A very peppy girl runs up to greet us, clearly the theme of the dance is Hawaiian, as noted by the tiki dudes taped to the doors. She offers us a lai, and laughs hysterically. IT WAS FUNNY WHEN WE WERE 12. Perpetual adolescence ladies and gentlemen, this is what it looks like. We decline her offer. She seems shocked.

10:00 Mesh and I stand in the back corner by a fan that is blowing our hair like supermodels, close to the snack table. The snacks are cheese, meat and crackers. Because who doesn't want to eat stinky cheese and meat sticks before dancing with someone? People are clearly planning on not getting action tonight.

10:05 Friend Blake shows up, he is responsible for the facebook invite to this insane event. He is curious as to why we aren't dancing. We look at the dance floor with it's 3 people and make a blank face at him.

10:06 Mesh and I decide to embrace the awesomeness of the evening.

10:08 A girl sneaks up behind us to ask why "two pretty girls aren't dancing" we laugh nervously and quickly nickname her "frizzy braid" she is asked to dance and as she is walking away she grabs Mesh's butt and declares, "you're next!" We promptly re-name her "creepy ass-grabber."

10:09-10:30 Mesh and I happily give all the people in the room awesome nicknames, ranging from "backpack dude" who was clearly gay and wearing a jansport, to "short girl" who was clearly not aware of what makes you a "mid" single and also knew how to line dance like a total bad-a. We watch them dance awkwardly. One guy looks totally stoned, another is dancing like a duck. A woman in a leopard print shirt is clearly well versed in the song "party in the u.s.a."and has her hands in the air far too often.

10:30 We decide to get our groove on, because nothing we could do would be worse that what we were seeing. "We have nothing to lose." Blake asks me to dance, and upon "returning" me to the awesome fan corner asks Mesh to dance. Boom, dancing accomplished. Also, at some point someone threw a beach ball out in the mix. Memo people: you need more than 10 people to keep the beach ball in the air without making a concerted effort. Luckily for us, stoned dancer dude made sure that ball stayed off the ground.

11:00 Clearly we were wrong, we had our dignity to lose.

11:05 We spy a soft couch to lounge on, and I head over with Mesh behind me, I asses the seating arrangement and a strange dude is lurking on the right side of the area. I sit on the left side. Mesh sits down next to me, looks at the dude, turns to me and calmly states "you are an amazing friend." Clearly we are in survival mode. If you don't want to sit next to the creepy guy you have to speed walk ahead of me, or take me down from behind. We sat and played a game where we have to decide who we would kiss if everyone died but the people in the room. There was a lot of silence. Mesh comments that a dude in Hawaiian shirt was trolling the couch.

11:10 Hawaiian shirt dude makes his move. Asks me to dance. Thus begins the most painful 3.5 minutes of the evening. He escorts me to the floor and starts to dance, staring and me and not speaking. He is clearly older and missing several important teeth. Here is how this dance went:

Me: "soooo what's your name?"
HSD: "David" *Stare*
Me: Long pause "Sooo what do you do?"
HSD: "Oh I'm unemployed"
Me: "Uhhh ok, what did you used to do?"
HSD: "I taught stuff"
Me: "Ok, I'm a teacher too"
HSD: "Cool" *CONTINUES TO STARE NOT SAYING ANYTHING*
Song ends and I say thanks and it was nice meeting him, he asks if I'd like to dance again, I politely decline.
I just want to say that dancing with a 65 year old, unemployed man, with horrible breath was a low point in the evening, and my friend was texting another friend about it. I assume she said something snarky like I'd found my eternal companion. I'm watching her text as I'm dancing and shooting death rays through my eyes. She was too gleeful, she didn't notice. Also, all I was thinking when we were dancing was that he smelled like my grandpa, who regularly doesn't shower for days and that his hands were really soft, but not in a good way, like in a "you're so old you've lost the elastin and now your skin is all mushy" kind of way. I ponder how someone can smile and say they are unemployed at the same time. Mesh informs me that old men think being unemployed is a plus, since they'd have more time to spend with you. I don't question how she has gathered this intel on old men dating habits.

11:15 I curl up in a ball on the couch and cry softly while Mesh continues to text people about my new boyfriend.

11:20 We position Mesh so I can take a picture of Hawaiian Shirt Dude without being to obvious, and in case you thought I was kidding, here he is:

You're welcome blogging world. 

                   
11:25 Last call for dancing, they say a prayer then play a Boyz 2 Men song. Mesh and I sneak away from Hawaiian Shirt Dude who is still lurking nearby. We make a run for it, stopping only briefly to get a business card from the DJ since I'm in charge of homecoming and while the music was lame, he did play "Give me Everything" by Pitbull when we requested it. I asked him if he could play for inner-city kids and he said that he would rock my world. I told him that I had been promised that a lot and was always left disappointed. He seemed unfazed by this.  Pretty sure he thought I was hitting on him. I'm not entirely sure I wasn't. My standard for dating had been compromised at this point. You have a job? Your hands don't feel like gak? You win!

The overall feeling as we drove off into the night was one of gratitude. Our lives are awesome, we don't own any leopard print shirts, we have cute boys to date, and we brush our teeth on a regular basis.

Arizona is the only place where you run out of cold water in the shower.

Either that or my shower hates me.

Clearly I'm back in the land of the hellish heat. Hiding out in my apartment with two fans blowing directly on me at the same time. I wound up eating banana chips and grape tomatoes for dinner yesterday because it was too hot to go to the grocery store. Yup, feels like home.

The rest of my Washington trip was delightful. There is something inherently therapeutic about spending time in a farm town. Especially since I spent most of it curled up in the recliner in my parents room watching movies with my mom in my pjs. Yeah, good times. Once I walked into their room to find them watching Gladiator. So I sat down to join them. Then my mother started fast forwarding, but not through the gory scenes. Turns out we were only watching the battle scenes. That's how awesome my vacation was. I went to Spokane to see my brother, his wife and their new baby. My brother plays a game called "Where's Duncan?" Basically I close my eyes, he hides the baby and then I look for him. In case you are wondering how this works, here is a video of what I turned the corner and saw once while playing said game:

Yup, that's a baby under a coffee table. My mother felt the need to rescue him while I felt the need to take a video of his freaking adorable kicking legs.

In other kid news, my niece loves to be filmed. I took what felt like 100 videos of her telling stories about cowboys and pirates and something that lives in the tree at Grandma's house. In the end though, my questions about who was who in the family was my favorite video.

Sadly, I asked her this the first time without a camera and after she declares that I have no boyfriend she adds "you just have your mom." Good thing my mom is awesome.

Work starts again next Tuesday. It's both tragic and exciting. Tragic in the sense that I can no longer stay up until midnight or later on a weekday watching 30 Rock and Project Runway and exciting in the sense  that I get to go back to teaching, which I love. Also, crazy things my students say. I got a little preview this week at Freshmen Orientation. A student told me that I look like an evil vampire when I laugh. Not the first time I've heard this, I am unfazed. I also threw a packet of A&D ointment at a kid who said I was old (I was in the nurses office, I don't have packets of burn/diaper ointment in my classroom, but I'm thinking now it's a good idea). My new year's resolution, as always, is to write more bloggy posts, so look forward to that. 

No More Secrets

I've had a secret for about 6 months, and it was fun to have, but the cat's out of the bag now, so it's safe to blog about. 

Right after my birthday this year I decided it was time for some life changes, so I started meeting with a dietitian. Turns out I don't mess around with this stuff and now a little more than six months later, I've lost almost 80 pounds.  

This picture was taken on my birthday weekend, a week before I started my diet and about 10 minutes before eating the best chocolate napoleon I've ever had. I highly recommend the chocolate shop in the Bellagio, just saying. 

For good measure, here is the picture of me eating said chocolate dessert.

For the record, I thought this was a crazy flattering picture of me. 

And here are the after shots:

This is me on Monday with my newest nephew Duncan, who I affectionately call D-dubs.

I love that kid. Seriously. And here is my face, just for fun:

It's strange, most of the time I don't think I've changed much, but then sometimes I see a picture like this or see myself in the mirror and stop and stare. Who is that? 

I've been traveling lately, the above picture was taken in New Orleans, a place that I now love. I should have taken more pictures there but I was busy falling in love with the city. Now I am visiting Washington, staying busy with activities such as:

Dragon hunting with my niece, she takes this stuff seriously, as indicated by her face, and she is 100% certain that this rock is really a dragon. 

And baking cookies for my mother's achievement day's activity.

Because nothing says vacation like being told that you need to make 100 star cookies. By the end of this venture the star shape looked very strange to me. 

I love spending the 4th of July with my family in Ephrata. There are no city fireworks so we buy some from a sketchy looking guy at a booth that has the word "Discount" displayed prominently one too many times to bring comfort (seriously, why would I want to buy something that could blow my arm off at a discount price?) and then sit on our porch and watch the men in the family put on a show for us. The porch sitting continues as we watch the neighbors light all their fireworks late into the evening. It's low-key and calm and everything that I love in life. This year my mother and I sat on the porch and talked and would occasionally point in one direction or the other hoping the other would catch the firework that had just gone off. You never know where the next one will be, it's part of the fun. 

This weekend I am heading to Seattle to see the little sister and the guy she currently spends her time with. I hear there is promise of Thai food and a pedicure. What else does a lady need in life? I'm sure I'll be blogging all about it.